SAMPLE CHAPTER
Adoption Encounter:
Hurt, Transition, Healing
Risk
Chapter 13
Search places the searcher at risk
emotionally. Adoptees, birthparents, adoptive parents, siblings or anyone searching for
other family members risk the repercussion or withdrawal of family, friends and
acquaintances. They risk disappointment, confrontation with unwanted reality, severance of
present or possible relationships, possible failure, rejection, judgment and loss of their
identity as it is at present.
When we come to a time of discomfort and
change in our lives we must take risks in order to cause emotional growth and movement in
the belief that comfort will result. Adoption participants have classically played it
safe. We create limitation, restrictions, walls, barriers, areas that we can't discuss or
delve into or experience, and in that we try not to risk. Every step of the way for a
searcher is a risk. Every step of any relationship can be a risk. When people stop playing
the adoption game, they are at risk emotionally.
What is the adoption game? We discussed it
earlier in separation. When we have supported the illusion of separation and finality and
the fog lifts to leave us without that illusion, the game is over. The adoption game
requires all members of the adoptive and birth families to play, and all members of
society. If anyone quits playing, the game is over. The players get acceptance, subtle
pats on the head for playing instead of points and nobody keeps score.
When any participant feels the need to
leave a safe role, or has a need to experience something else, the need to reach beyond
what is comfortable or safe, then (s)he cannot go back to the oblivion. Those needs create
the risk. As people choose to change their role in the adoption game they need to develop
another definition of themselves. This creates the risk. As you change, as your desires
and needs change, as you discover that you cannot or will not live by the definitions or
limitations others have for you, you feel at risk. Sometimes you may feel like it is
easier to just go back to being what they expect rather than struggle with their
manipulation or your discomfort. But usually you find that you have already changed and
that the risk of make-believe is more fearful than moving forward.
The question is how do we deal with risk?
How do we feel more secure? How do we come to feel strong enough to take risks? If people
decide to search, to extend their family connections, expand their knowledge of self, to
reconnect with other family members and other people in their life wish they would not do
this, they must do a lot of self-examining and learning to identify their needs. Everyone
needs a support system both internal and external. The only way we are willing to take
risks is when we are feeling internally strong and motivated and/or we have a support
system that says what we are doing is okay, reunion is okay and anything you feel is okay.
It says go out there and try it. Other people have done it. They survived. You'll survive.
A good example of the need for an outside support system would be someone who is eighteen,
still living at home and desires to locate birthfamily by the adoptive family is
uncomfortable. Friends only see the family side and do not see the eighteen year old's
needs as valid. Odds are this person will not pursue search at this time. Not until (s)he
develops another support system that seems stable enough that (s)he can challenge the
family security. If there is even one person in his/her life who feels search is valid,
interesting or has compassion, there is the chance (s)he may take the risk of losing all
the other support, caring and condoning of family or friends. It is an unusual person who
will take the risk entirely alone. Some people will seem to be taking the risk alone but
may not feel the loss of family or friend support is impacting because they felt distant
anyway.
***
Though it feels like a great risk to
undertake a search, contact people who may harbor secrets or anxieties about your presence
in their lives, or just to know the "rest of the story"; there is nothing
greater than the risk of not knowing. For over a decade I have heard stories of people who
did not know and hesitated to search only to find that while they waited some of their
knowledge, resolution and possible relationships were removed forever. Recently, I was
reminded of the value of every moment I have with my birthfamily and my daughter when
three people shared separately their situations with me.
First, is a friend, a male adoptee who
searched a number of years ago. He found that he had been born in a mental hospital, but
his mother was now deceased. He has met a sister and other family members but no one knows
who his father was. While undergoing tests to determine the nature of a consistent illness
his doctors found he had a rare genetic disorder that if not caught early, could lead to
severe mental depression. When they obtained his birthmother's medical records, the doctor
determined that this was very likely what his mother had suffered and it had gone
undetected and untreated, so she repeatedly was admitted to mental hospitals. It was also
noted in those records that she had been given 22 shock treatments while he was in utereo,
even though her doctors knew she was pregnant. His whole life had been deeply affected by
his birthfamily and yet his adoptive family had been told nothing and he could have ended
up with the same disabilities had his doctor not tested so thoroughly.
Second, was another male adoptee who found
his birthfamily about three years earlier. Recently, he was diagnosed with AIDS. When he
told his birthmother, she insisted on driving cross-country to spend this time with him.
He told me that he didn't quite know how to accept such unconditional love. Reflecting, he
said that he had often thought he must search because she may not be alive much longer,
but had never thought he would not be alive.
And third, is a birthmother who TRIADOPTION®
was helping who kept her terminal illness a secret from us. She came to events, wrote
letters ands suffered silently. Only recently did I become aware of her urgency in
locating her daughter and I cried. The disease that has taken her life is hereditary and
could likely take her daughter's life too one day.
With these three incidents alone, risk
taking seems miniscule. I have never been so glad I took the risks I took in searching for
my birthfamily and surrendered daughter. I took those risks because I was too
uncomfortable not to. I took them because I felt driven, compelled. I have had over a two
decades with my birthfamily and over fifteen years with my daughter. They are precious
times and though not always easy, well worth the risk and the effort.
"To laugh is to risk appearing
the fool.
To weep is to risk being called sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk
showing your true self.
To place your ideas and your dreams before the crowd
is to risk being called naive.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair, and to try to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because
the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing,
is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot
learn and feel and change and grow and love and live. Chained by his certitudes, he's a
slave. He's forfeited his freedom. Only the person who risks is truly free. Try it and see
what happens."
Leo Buscaglia
©1987. MJ Rillera. All Rights Reserved.
Adoption Encounter: Hurt, Transition, Healing
Adoption Encounter: Hurt, Transition, Healing by MJ Rillera. ISBN: 0-941770-05-2. $19.95.
